Dear Diary, Today I…..(Last Entry of Life Change at 50!)


Today I have had a little “Meeting with God” as the house we are staying in with my husband’s family was all to myself at 6am. The reason for the little Pow Wow with me and the lord was to ask for *Forgiveness* for this past week. I have had a lot on my Heart & Mind this past week as reviewing all that my husband & I have been going through since all this LIFE CHANGE started 4 weeks ago with the Eviction papers from our Landlord.

I was not going to post until Sunday or Monday, as I’m Supposed to be on vacation this 1st week here in Arizona, but I have much on my mind. As I read through my Diary Posts, I noticed a few things about myself…….I NEEDED some CHEEZE to go with my Whine..ING!!
So when I got up this morning and went out and put my legs and feet in the swimming pool, me and the lord had a little TALK……

It seems I have had a BAD ATTITUDE, instead of being GRATEFUL for all the lord has done for me these past weeks. I was in a “ME” syndrome……..and not looking ahead to our future, and NEW LIFE Beginning. When all this first started I was ANGRY at my landlord for causing so much STRESS in our life. But, it really was not his fault.

But ANGER took over, than SHOCK, then sadness and depression & FEAR.
Fear of the unknown. THIS comes from my Panic & Agoraphobia disorders.
But still not an excuse for me not SEEING the bigger picture our Lord was trying to present to us.

So with my Heart, Ears, and Mind OPEN to hear what he was telling me, was that sometimes you have to be Uncomfortable in order for CHANGE to come into your life, to just follow his PATH he has laid out before you, as he close’s One chapter, and OPENS another.  And, he has done that for us so far. It was my Mental & Emotional illness and disorders that were getting in my way,  Again, to see the bigger picture.

Agoraphobia for me has been very debilitating, as it is VERY Difficult to deal with changes like this. It’s hard just to walk out my front door weeks at a time. So, I had to keep telling myself that I’m only going from ONE set of walls of our apartment, to a NEW set of walls in a New Home.

But that did not stop the Panic Attacks I had on the way down to Arizona. I had a bad one going through the Lake Shasta area of Northern Calif., as it had been years since I’d rode in a car for a long distance. The last time was back in 2005, and that was only a 3 hour ride.  So once we got through the mountains my hubby Tom pulled into a Rest Stop so I could take a few more medications to get me through. It made me feel WEAK as a person, and tried to understand HOW I got to this point in my life with these mental and emotional disorders and challenges!!

It seemed the ONLY thing that helped was think of *Waterfalls*….the cool mist of the spray of water on my face, and close my eyes and pretend I was right next to one.
It did help a lot, and the half of a tranquilizer my doctor gave me for the trip.
We made it to the motel we stopped at.

The other thing I kept thinking of was seeing my Nephew Mark & his family the next day. I had not seen Mark since my mom passed away in 2003. Most of my family stopped talking to me once they found I had an addicted gambling problem, but got even worse when they found I had bipolar 2 disorder as well.

Mark had reached out to me and Tom when he found our phone number and called us out of the blue this past Christmas. I was SO HAPPY!! We had been talking ever since, and we made it to Redlands, CA where he lives on Saturday early afternoon, and met for lunch & spent 2 hours visiting!! That made the WHOLE TRIP for me.. 🙂
I met my Great Niece for the first time. Just an awesome visit. Then we made it to Arizona around 6pm.

Now here is when the lord said, “Catherine, you need to stop the complaining,
as your NOT the only one who needs adjusting to this situation, you have 6 other people who are effected by all this change. Stop thinking about yourself, and have Kindness & Patients with everyone else”….Yes Lord.

I know that sitting in he lords Word & Gospel helps me to be more Outside myself, and to a Heart full of *GRADTITUDE* toward others who are only trying to help us. We all have our Little Quirks, I just need to be more sensitive toward others, and keep my heart, mind, and ears open as the lord guides us in this New Adventure.

The past week was a Wee Bit rough around the edges as everyone started to adjust and settle into this new Family Dynamic, but I think will get there! As for the Lords path for us, It has begun, he has blessed us with Tom getting his transfer to another New Store here in Arizona.

He went yesterday to get all his paper work done, and starts on Monday at his store for Safeway…….another blessing. We also found 2 openings where his sisters work with disabled children, and he applied for a Van Driver for there outings and classroom aide.
So you never know what maybe around the corner.

AS for myself, I’m also settling in my New space. One good thing so far is I had NO Panic Attacks this past week, just some High Anxiety. My depression has been better too!

Must be all the sunny weather. I have found going outside by the pool in the early morning has been my “Little Sanctuary” to Relax my mind and soul for a while, as I hear
the Waterfalls softly flowing with my eyes closed and my feet in the cool pool water.
Sometimes, even if it’s just in our heads…….We can find Peace & Serenity around us anywhere and anytime, if we just Keep our Faith, keep our Hearts, Minds, and Ears
open to the lord. AS he has never disappointed me, even with this Life Change, and New Beginning.

So as for my whine & complaints, I’ve asked my lord for forgiveness for that, and to help me continue to be Patient, Kind, and understanding of others around me. As long as he is with us each step of the way on this New Journey, I need to know this whole experience is not just ALL about ME!

It’s about New beginnings, New Starts, both in life and financially. I have NO idea what is in store for us at this point, but it is kind of exciting to see where our journey will LEAD.
So for that I’m Truly Blessed!

God Bless my Friends, and have a wonderful weekend…..
Author, Catherine Townsend-Lyon

4 thoughts on “Dear Diary, Today I…..(Last Entry of Life Change at 50!)

  1. I went through a similar change 5 years ago. Moving in with in-laws can be mind-blowing. The mixture of personalities can get intense at times. It seems to me that you’re handling your new situation well in spite of the aggravation of agoraphobia.

    You’ll be just fine.


  2. Thank you for sharing and welcome to the great state of Arizona, I love living here. I have a very similar background (foreground?) as you, and your post resonated with me. I have been diagnosed with acute anxiety, depression, and recently bi-polar disorder. And who could forget obsessive compulsive disorder, recovering drug addict and shamer of family, save two. It took an inpatient hospital stay and a year of intense therapy, but I have never felt better in my 48 years. I thank the Lord for I am highly blessed and divinely favored. Hang in there. Peace, ~Victoria


    • Well SO happy your in Recovery, and living a Balanced life 🙂 It seems once we get the proper care, Therapy, and meds that can help, we can do anything we put our minds too! I’ve been in Recovery for almost 7yrs, and I to am Blessed, as I’m a walking Miracle. Life Is Good These Days! Thanks for sharing your a part of you life with, and for coming by my blog today.
      There sure is Comfort to know we are not alone.
      God Bless, Catherine 🙂


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