Recovery Holiday Watch Is Ending… My New Years’ Eve Recovery Reflections About “Family.” As We Don’t Get To Choose Them.

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“When You Start Seeing Your Worth, You’ll Find it Harder to Stay Around People Who Don’t, even if it’s your own FAMILY” …

The Bible teaches me to “Obey Thy Father and Mother” … 

That can be somewhat hard to do when you had been put down, left to feel your worth nothing for many years beginning as a little girl. No excuses, not a victim, just clear-sightedness of how I FELT and had perceived these actions each time they happened to me by family members growing up.

To learn dark secrets coming into adulthood that make you look at your parents much differently and it is an uncomfortable feeling. I am also sharing my feelings as it seems, even after almost fifteen years of estrangement from my dysfunctional side of the family, they keep leaving “ugly” comments on my book as reviews and anywhere else they think they can hurt me. I’m good today so I just ignore it.

See, my book ‘Addicted to Dimes: Confessions of a Liar and a Cheat’    published in 2013, my family was upset due to the fact I wrote and disclosed some dark secrets I came across while doing my research and looking in public records and so on and they don’t have a grip on reality or any link to an understanding about addiction and recovery either.  My memoir is NOT ABOUT THEM.

It was written to give insights about how my past issues and trauma growing up can had such a negative impact in my life growing into adulthood which all that added fuel to my addiction. When using addiction to try and cope, escape, or numb old hurt and pain we all may have gone through in life, many times it can or may have many like me turn to any addiction in the first place. By sharing my story, I hope to help others. It is not HOW TO RECOVER, it is WHY I turned to gambling addiction.

But Let Me Start At The Beginning  . . .

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When I was 7-years-old and again at 13 years old, I had been sexually abused by my brother and an adult friend of my parents, the 17-year-old son of those friends of my parents who lived up the street from us.  He was a year younger than my brother. I still have trouble today describing in detail what had been done to me, but each time it happened, I’d get sick to my stomach and a little piece of my innocence stripped away leaving me feeling ashamed, dirty, and confused.

Even as I’d would say, NO, it would leave me feeling guilty and worthless as it was MY FAULT.  I kept thinking and tell my little self I must be bad or doing something wrong that this continues to happen to me. Feeling baffled and confused and not understanding the nature of the “sexual misconduct” part …

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In turn, as I began to grow up and become an adult woman, those experiences began to seep into my thinking, become distorted in many areas of my life as you can imagine. The relationships I would sabotage not only with men, all because I felt NOT worthy of them. Becoming promiscuous at an earlier age as a woman and thinking that’s all men want is sex. I walked away from several serious relationships with a few men who treated me like a princess, then, again, not feeling I deserved or worth the special attention, I’d walk away. I was not worthy of being loved because I was tainted somehow. Besides, my family treated like I was not worth it, so should I accept anyone else to?

My parents always said as I was growing up that “I was a liar or a whore, a pot smoker or pill popper just because my dad would see me with my girlfriends out front of my Middle School or High School. Judging those girls by what they did or just because of the way they dressed or may have been smoking? And I never did any of those things except in high school smoked a cig or two back then like any normal teen did.

See, my father worked for the school district as a painter after he retired from 22-yrs of service in the air force. He wouldn’t tell me if he would be working/painting at MY school. All my family, as I got older, had still treated me poor at times as if I wasn’t at all important or part of the family. For example, and I know it seems dumb, we’d all be going out to dinner together and most of us were married by then. We’d all meet at my parents and ride together.

If I was even just a few minutes late, they would all just leave without me and I’d have to drive myself. Sounds like no big deal, but when it happens ALL the time? When you are already dealing with hidden trauma and suffering in silence, it begins to make you feel less and less cared for. I will admit looking back, I was very hypersensitive when my family did this because of what I went through as a little girl. None of them knew what happened to me as a child until I finally reached out for help the first time at age 31 and even then when I disclosed it all my mom didn’t believe me and that felt like being abused all over again.

I just could not stuff all those painful memories away any longer. Also looking back and connecting the dots through years of therapy, treatment counseling and after finally being properly diagnosed in 2002 with mental health disorders after my first suicide attempt and not the last. Knowing and feeling I had mental health problems since childhood like OCD, ADHD. I had many of the symptoms through childhood I remember like, daydreaming, forgetting things, fidgeting, talking too much, inattention, impulsivity, unnecessary risk-taking, and having trouble getting along with others. I had all of these.  Then in my teen years with depression and isolating.

Of course, my parents or other parents didn’t know then what they know today about mental and emotional illness and disorders. And, I had an aunt on my mom’s side that passed away from a prescription drug overdose and she was on many mental health drugs as I learned later as an adult. So I always felt my mental health challenges came from my mom’s side of the family. Even my mom was put on antidepressants about the last 5 or 6 years of her life.

The other side of this is when my parents would discipline us kids and in a way that was unconventional. I remember the times that my mom went over the top.  Like one time, my brother took something or got caught stealing something for my sister. How my mom taught him not to ever do it again, she made him and my sister put out their hands and she pricked the top of their hands with a needle until they were bleeding and MADE ME WATCH so we all learned the lesson. It was sicking to watch!

There we many things like this through the years and these traumatizing memories lingered in my mind. When we all became adults, it seemed abuse of alcohol was the common factor at many family gatherings like camping trips, birthdays or the 4th of July BBQ and even just a baseball game! My father, brother, and older sister drank like fishes as we got older. And something would always happen to ruin whatever family function or outing was going on when they were all drunk. It even happened after we all got together after my mother’s funeral at the memorial at my brother’s home in 2003. It caused my brother’s divorce, my oldest sister racked up 3 DUI’S in one year and more.

THAT is another blog post share for another day!

Through beginning and maintaining recovery, I shared all of this and my therapist and I agreed that my family was toxic and I needed to step away and not get involved even though I lived 980 miles away. I have tried to make amends where I could with my side of the family to no avail. I did, however, with my mom before she passed in August of 2003. Again, I lived about 980 miles away in Oregon when I was in the worst of my addiction. So no one from my family was impacted. But as I had always been dubbed “The Blacksheep” of the family early on, it seemed to make it OK for them to treat me like shit through the years. Even when they came to visit. I was and always felt very disconnected from my father. I still do and don’t today know why.

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After a while, you come to accept it and begin to ignore those times. As I got older, I began to set boundaries to avoid all the family drama and hurt except for when they would come up to visit us in Oregon. I just ignored the negative comments and stopped engaging with my mother that always turned into arguments when she’d make snide remarks that got worse the healthier I became. SHE did not like boundaries …I spent too many years starving for their validation and wasn’t going to do it any longer as I learned and accepted that they didn’t know how to give unconditional love.  These are the many things I began to learn while in treatment and beginning my road and path of recovery.

Learning the tools and skills to keep me safe when you deal with family who does not understand the concept of recovery or mental health. And through the years don’t care to either. If it is not in front of them, they don’t have to acknowledge or care about it is how my own father, sisters, and even my brother have treated me …We all have been estranged since my mother was laid to rest in 2003.  Through my almost 13-yrs maintaining recovery, I have processed this, forgive them and live my life for me and my husband. I do keep in touch with my nephews and that is good enough for me.

See, we don’t get to pick and choose who our family is. But I can choose not to continue to be treated poorly, seek their approval, or be abused by them any longer. I don’t have to continue and use poor behaviors like my mother used for years and most everyone let her even after we became adults and know better. Sadly, I needed to distance myself in order to keep my own sanity and recovery intact later in my life.

It is coming up on 15-years since I last talked to my father who just stopped calling me and still to this day I have no clue why …And almost the same with my older and younger sisters. My brother, I, and my husband spoke a few times and my brother did apologize to me for what he had done to me. He told me it happened to him as a little boy by our uncle Joe years ago when we still lived in New Jersey and before moving to So. CA., as kids.

One of my therapists had told me that when men molest 87% of the time they have been molested themselves. For me, I was just relieved my husband heard him admit what he did to me, but my brother wouldn’t to my parents. So my parents kept thinking I made it all up. What actually gives me comfort? Is knowing my husband, I, GOD and now my mom in heaven knows the truth. I know I am rambling but this has been laying on my heart the last few days. I know many of us maintaining long-term recovery have had to deal with learning the many underlying issues of why we had turned to addiction in the first place.

Some of what I share are many of the underlying issues I had to overcome. Instead of running or hiding and keep active within my gambling addiction, I did so because I was trying to “escape, numb, or cope” with all these ugly feelings and pain. Not being raised to know that it is OK to reach out for help when you are feeling mentally and emotionally weak and being tormented by old haunting memories you can’t run or stuff away any longer.

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It is also difficult to start becoming stronger and standing outside “The Family Bubble” you came from looking in and seeing a really dysfunctional, fucked-up, unloving and hurtful group of people who are YOUR FAMILY Members. No, I am not better than any of them, I am, however, so much happier and healthier than they are.

WHY? Because I have acknowledged all the old habits and behaviors which have torn my side of the family apart and I choose to NOT be or play a part in it anymore. Yes, it is sad and hurts to see or accept your family for who they really are. And, again, as I said earlier, I never hurt any of my family members when I was within my addiction, so I didn’t need to apologize for anything.

But I have no control over people, places, or things. I have tried making amends and sometimes it just doesn’t always work or have an outcome you’d hoped for. Even when it’s your family . . .

That’s ok because today I am happy, healthy, loved and BET FREE!  🎉🎉💖💞And that is always something to CELEBRATE In a New Year!

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I wish each and everyone who reads this and visits a very HAPPY, HEALTHY and BLESSED NEW YEAR In 2020!  ~Catherine Lyon

 

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Is Problem Gambling and Addicted Gambling The Same?

Welcome Recovery Friends, Visitors, and Happy Easter!

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OK, so I am a bit confused about a little question? Is there really a difference between problem gambling and addicted gambling? Now I have searched and searched to see what comes up on Google, and other websites. Then I decided to go to Wikipedia and see if they have a difference between the two. I find it kind of confusing, but here is what I found. First, I checked for Gambling Addiction, and all I got was THIS:

The page “Addicted gambling disorder” does not exist. You can ask for it to be created, but consider checking the search results below to see whether the topic is already covered.

• HHHHHHMMMMMMMMM,

  THEN, I went and typed in Problem Gambling and got a lot more…

Problem Gambling:

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia ~ (Redirected from Gambling addiction)

Problem gambling (or ludomania, but usually referred to as “gambling addiction“) is an urge to gamble continuously despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. Problem gambling is often defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others, rather than by the gambler’s behavior. Severe problem gambling may be diagnosed as clinical pathological gambling if the gambler meets certain criteria. Pathological gambling is a common disorder that is associated with both social and family costs.

The DSM-5 has re-classified the condition as an addictive disorder, with sufferers exhibiting many similarities to those who have substance addictions. The term gambling addiction has long been used in the recovery movement.^[1] Pathological gambling was long considered by the American Psychiatric Association to be an impulse control disorder rather than an addiction.

However, data suggest a closer relationship between pathological gambling and substance use disorders than exists between PG and obsessive-compulsive disorder, largely because the behaviors in problem gambling and most primary substance use disorders (i.e., those not resulting from a desire to “self-medicate” for another condition such as depression) seek to activate the brain’s reward mechanisms while the behaviors characterizing obsessive-compulsive disorder are prompted by overactive and misplaced signals from the brain’s fear mechanisms.

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Research by governments in Australia led to a universal definition for that country which appears to be the only research-based definition not to use diagnostic criteria: “Problem gambling is characterized by many difficulties in limiting money and/or time spent on gambling which leads to adverse consequences for the gambler, others, or for the community. Pathological gambling as “being unable to resist impulses to gamble, which can lead to severe personal, financial, or social consequences. ( Now this part I get, as I had all three with my own gambling addiction).

Most other definitions of problem gambling can usually be simplified to any gambling that causes harm to the gambler or someone else in any way; however, these definitions are usually coupled with descriptions of the type of harm or the use of diagnostic criteria.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders has since reclassified pathological gambling as “gambling disorder” and has listed the disorder under substance-related and addictive disorders rather than impulse-control disorders. This is due to the symptomatology of the disorder resembling an addiction not dissimilar to that of substance-abuse.
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In order to be diagnosed, an individual must have at least four of the following symptoms in a 12-month period:

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• Needs to gamble with increasing amounts of money in order to achieve the desired excitement
• Is restless or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop gambling
• Has made repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop gambling
• Is often preoccupied with gambling (e.g., having persistent thoughts of reliving past gambling experiences, handicapping or planning the next venture, thinking of ways to get money with which to gamble)
• Often gambles when feeling distressed (e.g., helpless, guilty, anxious, depressed)
• After losing money gambling, often returns another day to get even (“chasing” one’s losses)
• Lies to conceal the extent of involvement with gambling
• Has jeopardized or lost a significant relationship, job, education or career opportunity because of gambling
• Relies on others to provide money to relieve desperate financial situations caused by gambling

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“Let me get more personal with my own experiences”

It is a gambling problem if you either win or lose. If I won? I would be at the casino longer until every penny was gone. And if I lost? I would withdraw more money to try to win and chase what I lost. So it IS a never-ending cycle of win or lose. Most all of the above symptoms I had experienced. Personally, I feel problem gambling is the precursor to full-blown gambling addiction. WHY?  Because the addiction becomes a slow progression of money bet, preoccupation and racing thoughts when you’re not in action, the higher amounts of money need to feel you can win with for that rush of “euphoric high,” and  I used any excuse to go gamble, stress, hard work day, entitlement and more.

I lost a couple of jobs from my constant triggers and urges of wanting to go gamble, wasted whole paychecks and house payment money in just an hour or so. I sold, pawned anything of value, even stole money and had criminal and legal ramifications from that one stupid choice. You will do or find anyway to get money to gamble with when you run out of your OWN money. But many of you already know that gambling took way more from me than money, my reputation, character, jobs, friends and family, it almost cost me my life by way of two failed suicide attempts and almost my marriage as well.
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Now your most likely wondering why I would share all my misdeeds and character defects right?  Well, all of them are already exposed and laid out in my current book/memoir for the whole world to read. I share my experiences so others who are still “gripped” by this addiction can see that no matter how far down you go into gambling addiction, you can pull yourself out and recover! I also want to inform, educate,  raise awareness and help others from this destructive disease.

Besides, my misdeeds and past will NOT define WHO I AM TODAY in recovery!

That is why I continue to share my recovery journey with others and advocate always “A Message of HOPE.”

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“I am No Longer My Gambling Addiction. Hate The Disease, Not The Addict.”
Author & Columnist for In Recovery Magazine, Catherine Townsend-Lyon 

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(Click to download e-book on Amazon Kindle)

 

“How does a good girl go bad? Based on a true story, told in the author’s own words, without polish or prose, this haunting tale of addiction, family secrets, abuse, sexual misconduct, destruction, crime and…. recovery! One day at a time, one page at a time. Learn of this remarkable and brave story.” MY STORY .  .  .  .

 

“Sometimes In Recovery A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words”. . . Time To Shatter STIGMA

Hello Recovery Friends and Welcome New Visitors,

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YES,. . . . It’s Just That Simple! Please Don’t Judge Me or Others Who Live In Recovery From Gambling Addiction!

It’s Time To SHATTER STIGMA . . . #NOSHAME #DONTJUDGEME #IAMNOTMYPAST

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Author, Catherine Townsend-Lyon
http://www.amazon.com/Addicted-Dimes-Confessions-Liar-Cheat-ebook/dp/B00CSUJI3A

“What Is It Like Being An Addict”? Some Holiday Recovery Encouragement! . . .

Hello Recovery Friends and Welcome New Visitors,

 

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I wanted to start my post by sharing my book of my own story of gambling addiction and alcohol abuse. My current book out, “Addicted To Dime”, (Confessions of a Liar and a Cheat),
http://www.amazon.com/Addicted-Dimes-Confessions-Liar-Cheat-ebook/dp/B00CSUJI3A/

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If you know anyone with a gambling problem, or maybe addicted to gambling, and you are not sure how to approach the subject? Then send them my book. They won’t look at gambling the same way after they finish reading my story. I actually had others tell me this in comments, and in all my 5 Star Amazon Reviews that were kindly left by readers. There may only be 13 reviews on Amazon, but they are very powerful and mean much to me!
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So my neighbor Sean, yes, he is the one I have blogged about before. He is a drug addict. He knows I say this in the ‘correct context’ since being a former addict myself, just that mine wasn’t drugs. My drug was addicted compulsive gambling, and abuse of alcohol when I did gamble. So we were talking about the holidays being upon us, and how hard it can be trying to stay in recovery around the holiday time.

Now, I give Sean credit, and it is why I have not just cut him off as a friend, because Like me, I know all he may hear and learn in his continued fight to recover from drug addiction, I know that eventually, like me, it does start sticking and sinking into our heads.
And, . . .one day that big fat light bulb goes off over our heads!! And we say, NOW I GET IT!!
I know that is what happened to me after my 2nd suicide attempt, and working with an addiction specialist. BUT, . . . sadly not before I had committed a crime thanks to all the old behaviors and quick bad choice reactions when Life Difficulties come along.

I learned from that, that I had not finished all my work in taking my financial inventory, nor had I finished the work on all my bad habits I had used, and picked up when I was active in my gambling addiction. So I had more work to do. So when Sean and I were talking about Christmas’s past, when we had no money, no lights, no Christmas tress, no nothing, I told him I couldn’t count how many times I would be in a department store wandering the isles, just wishing I could by everyone gifts for Christmas, but I had gambled all our money, so I couldn’t. I can not tell you how many times I needed things for myself, and would walk up and down the isles just looking, looking at all the things I wish I could buy but couldn’t because I had gambled our money away, . . . again.

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Sean was sharing how much he felt like shit having to go to detox for the week before this past Thanksgiving so he could be clean while visiting his parents in San Diego, CA and not be strung out from drugs.

Then when he got back from San Diego, he bought pain pills and was right back to it!!
THAT is how hard it is to stop being an addict!! Yes, we have to WANT to STOP, but as an addict myself, I do remember those days, months, and years of that BATTLE we have with ourselves, with the constant triggers and urges ALL the damn time. I think those feelings are a little like who and what “The Devil is”. All bad things of this world are and belong to Satan.

The constant battle gets worse once you start your recovery. The first year of recovery, I won’t lie to you all, it’s the hardest thing you will ever do in your lifetime if you’re any type of addict. Those who are know exactly what I’m talking about. The constant racing thoughts, the nagging little person in your head that keeps telling you, “you don’t have a problem, it’s everyone else telling YOU that you do”. Well I’m now smart enough to know, that’s the DISEASE talking. It takes control of our thoughts, which feelings and acts come from.

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We can’t change what we refuse of our addiction to acknowledge . . .

We can not take that FIRST STEP unless we convince our mind, body, spirit, and soul we are truly powerless over our addictions. That they have the control over our life, and it’s useless to keep trying to control the addictions you have. I so remember all the times I sat behind a damn slot or video poker machine, and I just kept stuffing more and more money in them. And even if I won, I would be there even longer until I gambled my last dollar. So it doesn’t matter if you win money or lose it, the addiction is so strong that it takes over. You don’t stand a chance at controlling it. The disease makes you think you can, but it never happens!

I hated myself so much. I had NO idea who I was anymore. I was so disconnected from life, my husband, my friends and family. Even though both sides of our family lived in two different states at the time, I wouldn’t return calls, nothing. My heart and soul was so broken when I finally had to surrender to the fact that gambling addiction and alcohol abuse had me beaten down so bad I was on my knees wanting to die. And that’s why I understand about what my neighbor, what Sean is going through. I’ve been there myself. I don’t want him to ‘Give Up’ before HIS MIRACLE happens like mine did.

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When we learn to finally surrender and choose recovery, choose to have our lives back, then we start the journey of letting go. We can start to see things more clearly. Yes, mine was a very bumpy ride to long-term recovery, with relapses, a couple tries in gambling treatment, counseling & therapy, and many GA meetings, and lots of hard work on all my character defects, and much more.
But, then,  . . . we start to get it go. Learning to be brutally honest with yourself, and having faith in a “Power Greater Than Ourselves” will help you obtain that new miracle of life again.

I can not tell you how GOOD it feels to be free of all that garbage, feeling like a hostage to my former addictions. It truly is like a rebirth! NO, . . it was not easy, but SO worth all the work I did to have my life free of addiction. It’s really true that many blessings come from the many negatives and trials we go through in life. I can not count how many blessings have come to me since my full recovery. We need to look at in a personal light. Look at recovery as “investing in your own life ! in your self”. . .
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And when you do break the chains of addiction, be your true self. You will learn to have an even better life in recovery then when you first became an addict! That’s the beauty of Recovery! Don’t be someone you’re not in recovery. Learn to be a better person then the one before, better than the one YOU became within addiction. It can be done. I know this because not only do I live in recovery almost 8 years, I have to live with mental/emotional disorders from my past addictions. And I am a childhood sex abuse survivor.

So having dual diagnosis and living in recovery can be challenging. Like everyday challenging. But I did it, and DO IT. It’s why I continue to share my recovery journey on a personal level. When My book released, my live really did become an open book. All my flaws, misdeeds, character defects and more where now open for all the world to judge. Yes,  . . . I said judge. WHY?
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We judge because it’s sadly the world & society we live in. We judge because there is STIGMA still in this world around those who seem different. Who may have taken a different path then others.
And that is one of the most positive and powerful things about recovery. We learn not only to heal and love ourselves again, but we also learn to have care, understanding, and more compassion for others. That is another blessing that recovery has taught me. And that compassion is why I help others in or out of recovery.

Compassion, and helping others in recovery, or those who are reaching out for help to recover, being of recovery service to others keeps us in recovery. It’s just that simple!

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I wish all of you in Recovery a Bet Free, Clean and Sober Holiday Season! And yes I do say, “Merry Christmas To All & Happy New Year”!!

Many Blessings,
Author, Catherine Townsend-Lyon XoXo 🙂

 

“My Recovery Guest Author Interview Wrap Up From Peoples Internet Radio”!

Hello and Welcome Recovery Friends, Seekers, and Visitors,

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I had been invited to Peoples Internet Radio by host, Stephen Roberts to join him this past Friday evening to talk about my current book, problem & addicted gambling, recovery, and a few more hot topics. And the interview was so awesome, we where on for just about 2 hours! And as promised, here is a wrap up of some of the topics we discussed, and recovery resources I had given out during the show.

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I’d like to first say, Thank You again to my host,  Stephen Roberts for inviting me to his show. Well, I also kind of invited myself really. LOL. I say this because as some of you know, I do book & social media promoting for other authors. And, Stephen has had 2 of my clients on his show earlier. It’s actually how we met. He is such a great guy with a fun sense of humor.

A little about Peoples Internet Radio, Seeking Sovereign Solutions, http://peoplesinternetradio.com/ it is a movement for and by the people to take our country of America back! It is a place where podcasts are broadcast and heard by hosts who invite others to speak up, help inform, and to raise awareness of many issues facing our country. And one of those issues impacting our communities is the ever-expanding problems of Indian Casinos & State Lotteries. That was only one of the issues Stephen and I spoke about. We talked about my book, Addicted To Dimes, (Confessions of a Liar and a Cheat), which is my personal story of life touched by childhood sex abuse, discipline abuse, living with mental and emotional illness and disorders, and gambling and alcohol addictions.

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We also had people calling and typing in through Facebook, as my interview was live streamed on 3 different podcast links. We even had people commenting as far away from Ireland, Scotland, and United Kingdom! I do have to say a ‘Special’ shout out to “Jimmy & Sean” for your questions, and very kind comments during the show! I also explained my own personal devastation I caused with my gambling addiction in my life. Some don’t always agree with me about the why’s of someone choosing addiction in the first place.
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My experience is that, like Jimmy mentioned in his comment, when in rehab or treatment, it seems the professionals just treat the symptoms, and not some of the underlying issues that may have led us to use addictions to cope with life challenges and traumatic life events.
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From a relapse prevention point of view, those life events if we are not ready for them, can be a source of relapse. I know it was difficult for me in this area as well. The first failed suicide attempt in 2002 of mine,
from 2 life events that hit me hard was two people close to me passed away of cancer. Then my mom passed in 2003. So life, if not ready can cause a relapse. You need to have a plan in place.

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When all that happened to me I went via the hospital to an addictions/mental health crisis center. That’s when my primary doctor, and the center psychiatrist found I had been suffering Bipolar 2 severe depression, PTSD, OCD, and mild anxiety mania. So in 2002 is when I was started on bipolar and anti-depressant meds.
So those were some of the underlying issues that compounded, and seem to set me up for some type of addictions to cope, escape and numb out from the grief, and from my past traumatic childhood.
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Of course, as I discussed with Stephen that when you are raised in a household that you speak of things outside our home about anything that might bring shame to the family, and to not know there are healthy ways to get help and process past hurt and pain. Then many do use addiction to try to escape from it. To not feel those unpleasant feelings and emotions. So it wasn’t until I started work on processing my past pains, and working with an addiction specialist, who taught my also how to break down the cycle of my addiction. A cycle has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Here is what it looks like.

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See, will get Triggered by something that affects us in life. Could be life trauma, stress of a bad day at work, a financial crisis, for me it was Paydays. The build up would start a few days before a payday. Urges or cravings like on the chart. Then the Ritual comes into play. This maybe, again for me was trying to calculate how much money would be available to gamble with. What bills could I put off until the next payday. That type of diseased thinking. Sadly, when I crossed the line into uncontrolled addicted gambling, the bills never got paid, and the money would be gone. Then the actual act of using, or for was addicted, uncontrolled gambling. Then the last part of the cycle is the guilt, shame, self-loathing, remorse.
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But the one difference with gambling is the constant lies, covering up what I’d done, find money to pay the debts that I should have with our paychecks and on and on. It’s exhausting! And until you learn in treatment, and in support group meetings those tools and skills to interrupt and break the cycle? You’ll keep using over and over wishing for a different outcome that never comes! Part of my experience of addiction did come from my past childhood abuse. And the verbal can cut deep into our mind and thoughts. Verbal, or psychological abuse can sink in when were children. Because our minds are like a sponge! It is also from my sex abusers as well. They threaten you so much that you start to believe you’re a bad girl, damaged, and if you tell, no one will believe you, that your telling lies.
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I still to this day feel those feeling of those men telling me that, grooming me with treats, then turn around and threaten me with verbal trash! And like I said in my interview, even though Gamblers Anonymous tells us that we can recover without knowing the reasons why we became addicted gamblers, but through therapy, I know some of why I was using addicted gambling with alcohol. It was to not feel the pains of my childhood any longer.
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Today, I’m not a victim any longer! I advocate, speak-up and speak-out about childhood abuse and trauma! As it’s the only way I know how to shatter the STIGMA around this devastating issues. I know that it wasn’t my fault what happened to me. So I now let others who endured the same, that they are not at fault either. All that I do to try and help others was given to me by my Father in Heaven. Another part of recovery is to learn from what we triumph over. We see our character defects, and learn to correct them to become better human beings..

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Here are just a few facts I shared about gambling addiction on the radio show.1% of our population right now are Problem Gambler’s.
Out of the 16+million problem gamblers in just the United States, half this number are now your college bound young adults.  The Productivity Commission in  Australia reports, for every one problem gambler, they have a negative effect on 7 other people.Our government makes gambling legal for profits through Casinos and States Lottery.
And if you want to know what is being done about it in your State and communities besides raising crime rates, and more friends and loved ones becoming problem gamblers, then visit http://StopPredatoryGambling.org/in-your-state/

For help and information about problem gambling, visit the good people of The National Council on Problem Gambling, http://www.ncpgambling.org For warning signs & info please visit http://www.helpguide.org and  http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/hotlines/

There are more helpful ‘Recovery Resource’ pages here on my blog with more important websites and phone numbers. And finally, if you happened to miss the internet show? Here is the link you can hear the whole show at your own leisure. When you clink on the link, a little box will pop up and just hit the arrow to play it.
http://www.weebly.com/…/august_29_2014_with_catherine…
Just in case it doesn’t pop up, here is the full link address:
http://www.weebly.com/uploads/2/1/1/6/21163562/august_29_2014_with_catherine_townsend_lyon.mp3

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In closing, this quote truly is important. No on person who becomes an addict just happens to wake up one day and tell themselves, “Gee, I think today I’ll choose to become an addict and destroy my life” …
Yes, life is full of positive wonders and possibilities, but life also can hurt, be painful to some of us.
NO, not excuses, just insights of how some can lose their way.

And yes, it is our choice on how we handle the rough patch’s. But remember, many people are not healthy, strong, or had positive role models, or a healthy family dynamic growing up. Like I explained to Stephen,
I have forgiven my parents, and have forgiven my sex abusers, and my siblings who too had hurt me, as my spiritual Father has taught me. You have to in order to take back your life. It’s also what I learned in treatment and therapy. I have learned many life lessons on this journey called life. Now my passion is to pass some of it to others.
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Much Happiness and Blessings on your Recovery Journey,
Catherine Townsend-Lyon, Author of, “Addicted To Dimes” …
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0984478485/

 

“What Did God Want You To Be In The First Place”? Inner Thoughts Of A Recovering Addicted Gambler…

Hello Recovery Friends, Recovery Seekers, And Welcome New Visitors,

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I was cleaning up my Author Facebook page when I came across this “Quote” and it got me thinking about my current published book and my recovery from Addicted Compulsive gambling, and a bit too much alcohol. It took me back to when my book first released on my 50th birthday! I felt so proud that I actually accomplished one of the biggest goals I’d had for myself. I owe it to the “Grace & Power” of God, and my own 7 years of hard work in recovery for my book  to even be a “Dream to Reality” event in my life.
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Well, also I Thank my awesome publisher too, Steve Laible, of TKG… http://KodelEmpire.com  And yes, he is as funny as he looks! But seriously, he is a fantastic publisher, and a “Children’s Book Author” Too! Check out my Pal http://StevieTenderHeart.com If it wasn’t for him nagging me to want to publish my manuscript my friend put together for me, I wouldn’t be a published author today. I was so scared of what people might THINK of me because of all the terrible things I’d done as an addict.
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Author – Steve Laible ~ Great Guy!
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I know I blog a lot about life being difficult to move on from, especially from our addictions when we first enter recovery. I know this because I to had a hard time grasping the fact that I had become an addicted to gambling and alcohol. It’s hard when we are at our worst in our addictions to even LOOK at ourselves in the mirror, and god knows that happened a lot for me. From the woman and wife I was, having a successful banking career, working hard to have a home and beautiful family life, to this black, ugly, darkness of addiction that took such a hold on me I thought I’d never make it out alive! And I almost didn’t, Twice.  When I was in the depths of the ugliness of addicted gambling, I used to think in my head about all the “negative” shit my mom and dad used to say about me, and it seemed I made that a “Reality” all by myself…

As if I bought into all the years they said I didn’t love my family, never wanted to be around them or stay home, that I lied, or wasn’t an honest person. I really made that come true with my addiction! Even when you start recovery you have so many doubts about yourself. It takes time and a lot of hard work to learn WHO you really are. You have to retrain your brain, your diseased thinking and thoughts. I also had a hard time about 2 years into my recovery about “Feeling Stuck. I don’t know if you know what I mean? When I went to Gamblers Anonymous meetings, I’d hear others speak about feeling “Stuck” in their recovery. Not sure which way to go, or what to do next to continue to grow in our process to recover.

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For myself? That’s when I had to start on Step 9. I was stuck on this step for a while. Making “Amends,” wow that was a hard job, and I’m still doing it today! Step 9 is making “Direct Amends” to such people wherever possible, as long as it doesn’t injure anyone in the process. Now that sounds easy enough, but with gambling addiction, it often means you owe money too, to someone you hurt, or never paid back. Well, most all the people I did owe, I had paid back. That is when though I learned about “Pawn Shops” and started selling stuff to get money to gamble. Also for me it was more of how I let down others. Like employers, if I stopped to gamble before work, and got on a winning streak, well, I’d call in sick and say I couldn’t make it in. Sadly, these people hired me to do a job and BE THERE to do it. So then that plays into your “Reputation & Character” of who you are. When I gambled? I was a Flake!! I even did it to my friends, and lost many good, long time friends because I couldn’t be counted on anymore. Now this may not sound like a big “DEAL” to many, but for me? That used to be WHO I WAS. People knew they could always count on “Catherine” when things needed getting done.
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But, that all falls to the wayside when all you’re doing and thinking is “Gambling”! I was a happy, bubbly, caring, at times a comedian, a giving woman with a smile on my face, and the word “YES” was always on my lips. That all to went away when I became addicted to gambling. So like the next “Quote” above says, “You need to learn to MOVE ON” and get yourself in Recovery, when you do? You will know it was “The Best Decision” you’ll ever make. You can move on from all the damage of addiction.  Yes, it will take work but it is “Worth the Work”! The one piece of advice my sponsor gave me is this, “when you feel stuck in your recovery? It means you have MORE work to do.” And she was right. See, we get to a point where we begin to feel good about ourselves again, learn to be better than we had been as an addict. We start to feel again, as were taught how to process these different feelings of Life and past damages. So we then start to look and take stock of our life overall. That’s when you can really feel STUCK.

Then that hard work starts paying off. We begin to be comfortable with our past faults, learn to gain our self-worth again. We learn we are “Not Less Than” we are Worth More” in Recovery! It’s a time of awareness of what our HP has given us, a second chance at a beautiful life in recovery.  We learn how to live on life’s terms and learn we don’t have to run and Gamble, Drink. or Use Drugs when we run into a life road blocks. We have the skills and tools in our recovery tool box to handle anything, so use them. We do become more aware of what our HP has blessed us with. Decreased “Triggers and Urges get replaced with some “Peace & Serenity” and more comfortable in our own skin. We feel strong to start being of recovery service to others, share our testimony to help others. We learn how to handle life’s disappointments and expectations when things don’t seem to go our way. We don’t have to run to addiction anymore to “Feel Better.” Just remember you are “More Than ~ Not Less Than”….

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Which brings me to the above “Recovery Quote”…
Have you yet to have that “Closure Talk” with yourself within your recovery yet? Are you today able to look at yourself in a mirror and LOVE what you see looking back at you? We need not explain ourselves to others, nor try to explain away our “Faults and Short-Comings” when we were addicts.
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We need to be comfortable with who we are today, not who we “were.”  Yes, I’m not perfect, who is? Yes, I F _ _ KED UP, but the person you need to forgive is yourself. You won’t be any good to anyone else until then. We come to believe in a power greater than ourselves to work through all the baggage of the past, not just your addictions, but all the “Past” hurt and pain that was done upon you to be able to live in the moment, be alive again, and enjoy all the things we did before we began our so-called, “DANCE WITH THE DEVIL.”….

I really did feel that way about myself when in the throes of my addictions! Like I was just a piece of garbage no one wanted or cared about. I was treated as such growing up, so why should my adult life be any different? Well, that’s a few on the “Recovery Perks,” I call them in my own recovery. We don’t just get a better life than before we became addicts, we get an Awesome gratefulness and gratitude towards ourselves to be happy again. We are more aware of just the “Little Things” around us. Yes, it sounds corny, but it’s true! Hearing & seeing all the beautiful things God has created seem more awesome than ever in recovery!! We get “JOY” out of everything. We may have it rough when our Amends don’t seem to come out positive, but that’s OK, really it is. All we need to know is we tried, and owe ourselves our own “Closure” on a chapter of life that hopefully we learned from as part of the journey my HP had laid out for me. Always know that no matter what you do or go through, there are many “Blessings and Life Lessons” to be learned from this journey of recovery and life. So today I’m grateful for those blessings given. It has humbled my heart.
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This is who God meant me to be. The person I am today. To reach out and “Share Recovery HOPE to others” and sponsor, and let others know that recovery from any addiction is possible. Learning to be OK with sharing this part of ourselves.
So stop being to hard on yourself in recovery! There are “NO SET RULES or TIME LIMIT” on our recovery journey. It us meant to be a life long process until we breathe our last breath. And you know what? Today? That’s OK for me. If your feeling stuck in your recovery? Re-work your steps and see for your own eyes the “Growth” you have accomplished! Besides, the only “Dancing” I do these days is Naked in the Shower!! OOPS!  Too Much Information??…LOL, LOL!

God Bless you on your Recovery Journey All,

AUTHOR, Catherine Townsend-Lyon
Author of “Addicted To Dimes”
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0984478485

“Radio Show Was Great, And Some Pondering Questions”…

Welcome Recovery Friends And New Visitors,

“So I had my “Guest Author Interview” yesterday on C.L. Gammon’s blog talk radio show, and I have to say it was interesting. For those who tuned in, sorry, I was a little nervous. I tried to stay on task in answering all the questions without babbling, but there was SO much information I wanted to share with all who tuned in about addicted gambling,  share websites for help and support, and the current expansion of gambling “Casino’s and State Lotteries.”
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But one question that my host asked me towards the end of the broadcast, and really got me thinking the rest of the night after the show. One of the questions I do believe C.L. asked me was, as I wrote my book, and with the things we do in the worst of our gambling addiction, like pawn things, asking or borrowing money to gamble, and I even told him about my” legal woe’s” from when I stole from a person, he asked me, “does a person feel “Shame” for the negative things we did within our addiction?
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I think what I told him is” Yes,”…..we do have shame and guilt for the poor choice’s we made at the time, the hurting of loved ones, friends, and family. I also said that it’s not like we wake up one day and say, “Gee, I think I’ll become an ADDICT and destroy my life today, hurt all those around me! Is an addiction a personal choice? Well, yes…..But we as addicts learn that our past unsavory deeds does not define us. It’s “not” who we are today in Recovery. We are taught and learn through treatment, and support groups, meetings and class’s, is to work through, come to acknowledge, then move past the negatives of our past. We learn through the 12-Steps when the time is right, to make amends with those people we had hurt like family, friends, co-workers, and even our past employers. Many are affected when were addicts.
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Like I shared with C.L., of course I have remorse for the hurtful things I’d done, but in turn I had acknowledged, took ownership, and paid the consequences for my past actions. If we as addicts just stay and sit in the “Shame & Pity,” if we continue to be a victim of our past, then will never have a “Balanced, Healthy, and Successful Recovery.” Those things can cause you to Relapse. It has to be part of our recovery life plan, to daily take our “Personal inventory.” To be aware and change our character defects.That’s part of the hard work we put into our recovery. I also told my host that I wrote in my book all the bad things I’d done, because I want others to know just how cunning addicted gambling is, and I wanted others to be aware of the “ugly side” of gambling. I put all my “Dirt” for all to read so they can learn from the mistakes I made while addicted, because I don’t want another person to choose or think Suicide” is their only option to stop gambling! That should never be an option for ANY ADDICT.
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After my interview on the C.L. Gammon’s blog talk radio interview, http://www.blogtalkradio.com/clgammon …I had received a few emails from listeners.
One person had tuned in and asked if I would in the future blog about the personal facts and experiences about my addiction. We in recovery call them “Gambling War Stories.” I thought that is a little of what I shared in my current book? But I do know what this person means. So maybe my next post will be about “A Bad Day At The Casino” or something along those lines. As I DO have many to share….
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I “THANK” those of you who tuned in. I really appreciate the support, the emails, and your kind words. “Truly” it’s really all about helping others, raising awareness, and caring enough to just “Share” what I’ve been through to help others!
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Thanks Again Friends! Gos Bless,
Author, Catherine Townsend-Lyon
“Addicted To Dimes” (Confessions of a liar and a Cheat)
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0984478485

Toot Tooting My Own Horn A Wee Bit!

Many Writers, Authors, and Bloggers are pretty much very “HUMBLE” PEEPS! But once in
awhile it does FEEL GOOD to TOOT our own horns now and again…
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Many don’t know that ONE OF THE REASONS I started this *Little Recovery Blog* here, is to let others know about ME, Why I’m blogging, What I blog about: Recovery from Addicted Compulsive Gambling, a wee bit to many Cocktails, Advocate against the *STIGMA*around these issues, and for people like MYSELF who suffer from Mental & Emotional illness and disorders.

And that this ALL started with a little book I wrote & published about my Life Story, starting from a *little Girl* to present. As a little girl, I went through traumatic events that NO little girl should ever have to go through. To give insight and understanding of how OUR PAST can shape what kind of Paths We CHOOSE later in Life. I just happen to choose Compulsive Addicted Gambling as an “ESCAPE” from the PAST HELL that came Knocking on my back door! So I chose to SHARE what I’ve been through with My Addiction, and Recovery.

NO, I did not USE or HIDE behind ANONYMOUS,…..What good does that do to try to make AMENDS with others as Step-9 helps us do, and how being ANONYMOUS will give me “Accountability and OWN my past Transgressions”?….So I chose to use my FULL NAME for my Published Book, “Addicted To Dimes”(Confessions of a liar and a Cheat) http://www.amazon.com/dp/0984478485 which brings me back to why I’m tooting my own horn,….TO SHARE some New Book Reviews, so that if you decide to give my book a Gander and a READ,….You’ll know others have too!, and what they THOUGHT of my book.

Believe me, as a first time Published Author, reviews are far & few between. But here are the most resent, and they REALLY UNDERSTOOD WHY I WROTE & SHARE MY STORY….

5.0 out of 5 stars Heartfelt and Honest., October 19, 2013 By brittany This review is from: Addicted to Dimes (Confessions of a Liar and a Cheat) (Paperback) As a person in Recovery, I find reads like this to be refreshing and inspiring. Author Catherine Townsend-Lyon did not hold anything back in this transparent account of her personal journey, as she shares her life & experiences that led to her addiction. She allowed herself to illuminate the good, the bad and the in between, and it really helped me to connect with her on a personal level. We are all just humans on a journey we all experience hardships, struggles and some dysfunction to varying degrees. Her account is told with sincerity and I commend her bravery and willingness to share her story with the world. Great book for people in recovery, or families trying to understand addiction.

A true insight to what a person goes through with gambling addiction,
October 13, 2013

By: A Grants Pass, Or Neighbor

This review is from: Addicted to Dimes (Confessions of a Liar and a Cheat) (Paperback)

“This book was an insight for me, I never understood what the journey is like for a person dealing with an addiction. This took me awhile to complete reading because there was so much that needed to be digested to really grasp what the author was trying to tell in her recounting of her life. It was a very rough emotional journey that you feel like you are experiencing along with Cathy. I felt so many different emotions when reading this book, that at times I had to set it down because it was so intense and overwhelming. I would recommend this book for anyone looking to understand the up and downs a person faces when dealing with an addiction. I loved reading about Cathy and her life, and I also appreciated how the book was left in her words and how honest she was in telling her struggles….

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I do want to note that, I meet Cathy in real life, she was my neighbor for a time. She is a wonderful woman. After we talked for a while, I bought her book and gave this review.   But it took me forever to do so. I have to say I am sorry to her for taking so long. Cathy it was a touching and insightful journey your story has taken me on these last few months. Thank you for sharing it with me. It gives me hope in knowing that anything can become overcome with love and trust. God bless you. Keep writing and telling your story so others will know that they are not alone and that there is hope after addiction”..

**I’m honestly *HUMBLED* and touched by all my Reviews I have received on Amazon, and on Barnes & Nobel, also the ones on Goodreads.com….I really DO APPRECIATE & LUV all my Readers, and Blog Friends here Too!! Thanks all for your Book & Recovery Support!! I’m truly very Blessed**…. God Bless All..*Catherine* 🙂 “-)